friends or not?
by boogle
Summary: FINISHED! finally! Lister gets volunteered as distraction from a GELF, but... for some reason it starts to go wrong...
1. friends?

Disclaimer: erm not mine…

Lister settled into the cockpit chair with a sigh. _Great. How come it was always him who had to volunteer?how could they simply volunteerhimto do something so stupid asthis, would friends do that?_

lister sighed, "Holly? You got a lock on those rockets yet?"

Holly's head fizzled onto starbug's screen, "no, and even if we did, we don't have any weapons."

Lister nearly choked on the can of beer he'd just opened, "What? You said I would be the distraction while you knocked those smeggers outta the sky!"

Holly smiled her baffled _oh yeah, I forgot_ smile, "oh yeah, I forgot."

"Well what the smeg am I supposed to do now?" Lister pulled his leather jacket closer and shivered. Something wasn't right. Lister had a strange feeling in his stomach and it wasn't this morning's vindaloo.

Rimmer's head and shoulder's replaced Holly on the screen, "Listy, Listy, you're still the distraction, just lure them to the nearest planet and then get the smeg out of there."

"Oh that's nice Rimmer; don't offer to do it yourself or anything."

"I'm a soft light hologram you gimp, how am I supposed to steer Starbug?"

"If I may interrupt sir, Mr Lister is right; it is completely unorthodox to allow a human to go on a mission as ridiculous as this. I beg you to reconsider!" Kryten's head appeared in the background with as close a look of regret as you can get on a mechanoid's face.

Rimmer tried to elbow Kryten out of the way, which proved rather difficult as it happened, "just smeg off will you, if Lister doesn't go we'll all be killed. It's his fault in the first place; I told him that GELF would get angry if we forced the toaster on it."

"I just don't feel right about this man - I've got this gut feeling that I'm gonna get smashed up again."

"Just do it." Rimmer's image disappeared from the screen. Lister pulled the thrusters forward holding back another shiver. Soft light hologram or not, Rimmer was still a complete git.

Back on red dwarf Cat was having his mid noon snooze and was rudely catapulted out of his chair when something hit the side of the ship.

"Do you mind? I am trying to nap here!"

"Holly? Damage report?" Rimmer said brushing the nonexistent dust from his uniform.

Holly shook her tangled blond locks away from her face, "Get it yourself; I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment."

"Holly!"

She blew the hair out of her eyes grumpily, "It's all right for you; you've got hands,"

"Yes but they're made out of light!"

She sighed, "All right, hang on," her head disappeared briefly then flickered back on, "not too bad, bit of damage to the cargo bays –oh wait, what's that?"

"What, what is it?" Rimmer panicked.

She gasped, "It's horrible!"

"What!"

"Oh it's alright; someone must have sneezed on the camera in corridor 6 again."

Rimmer flared his nostrils, "You really are one stupid computer Holly."

Unfortunately, that was no sneeze on the camera at all…

Reviews are welcome.


	2. kaboom

I'm new to this, so bear with me…

Starbug swooped low, carefully followed by a gigantic missile that was roughly 6 times its size. Inside the cockpit, a white-faced Lister swore loudly and slammed on the accelerator.

The smaller missile had already hit red dwarf, not that Lister cared. There were two reasons why Lister didn't care. One, the missile was tiny; it would barely dent the paint on the hull. And two, he was a bit preoccupied at the moment, what with being closely followed by a gigantic missile that was roughly 6 times starbug's size and all.

This missile had a built in heat radar. It followed the hottest thing it could find, then kept going until said thing was blown into tiny fragments, or itself was destroyed by some clever act of manoeuvring.

Luckily for the crew, Lister smuggled onboard Starbug his afternoon vindaloo. At the precise moment the smaller missile veered off to hit red dwarf, Lister opened the container and had a good mouthful.

"Holly!"

"God, you're all the same aren't you; I've just been hit, thank you very much."

"I'm gonna get blasted to smithereens!" Lister panicked.

"Well what do you want me to do about it?"

"ANYTHING!" Starbug was beginning to shake violently, Lister held onto his seat for dear life. But that didn't stop a great many things whacking him on top of the head.

His head throbbed. Lister blinked the blood from his eyes, his vision was already beginning to blur. _God this is worse than when Rimmer told us that risk story._

"Holly… I'm going to die." He managed to say, before the nose of the rocket nudged up against starbug's behind.

Please, please review!


	3. kill lister? naa

I have no idea where this is going, Arg!

Ps. Thanks so much to reddwarfaddict, sunrise over the tango factory, rimmerslittlevoodoodoll and smegginitlarge for reviewing! Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou! Also, to Hermione 2000, do u think I'm crazy? Of course I'd never kill off Lister! I'm not that cruel. lol

The missile nudged starbug's rear with pure relish.

A colossal explosion. Blazing heat. Blinding light. Lister lurched forward smashing into starbug's controls with a sickening crunch. The g-force slammed into his body like a Double Decker bus, pinning him forward as the tiny craft hurtled through the air.

The remains of Lister's curry bubbled and hissed before splattering itself onto the screen. Lister no longer had any air to breath, it felt like his organs were forcing there way out via his throat. As he lay there, gasping for life, he just had time to see a large green planet and say "SMEG!" before his world went black.

Holly swished her hair back with a sigh, "Oh dear."

Rimmer gawped at the display in horror. "Lister! LISTER?"

"It's no use sir, after an explosion like that I don't think he'll be able to respond - oh, I feel terrible!"

All the Cat, Kryten and Rimmer could see was a smashed up version of Starbug's interior, and a load of sizzling vindaloo sauce slowly sliding its way down the screen.

"Lister? Can you hear me?"

Cat rolled his eyes, and snuggled comfortably on his chair, "Would you please keep it down?"

Rimmer ignored the cat, shouting into the microphone, "LISTER!"

"Look, grand canyon nostrils! If I don't get my beauty sleep one day I might end up looking like you! I don't think _anybody_ deserves that!"

"Sir, if it makes you feel any better, that GELF that fired at us was a pain GELF."

Rimmer unglued his eyes from the screen for a second and glared at the mechanoid, "Oh yes you're right Kryten, that makes me feel _so_ much better. _Not only_ have I killed off another member of the crew, _not only_ that, but I managed to give them as much pain as I possibly could before they snuffed it."

Kryten did his best to look quizzical, "I'm not sure you understand sir. A pain GELF was created to create as much pain as physically or mentally possible without death. Consequently I think it is accurate to say that Mister Lister is alive, and instead it is we who are in immediate danger." He paused for a moment, thinking, "As I say this, the GELF could be sneaking up on us, ready with one of the bazookoids it has raided from the storage bay, to knock us unconscious-"

Kryten stopped in mid sentence, as the pain GELF knocked him and the remains of the crew unconscious with a bazookoid it had raided form the storage bay.

Review review!


	4. ohmygodabanana

You people are so nice! Thanks for reviewing; I dunno how u cope with reading all this gibberish, but thanks for doing it!

The Cat was slumped against the wall, his face screwed up. "We're all gonna die!"

"Sir-"

"Look, I _know_ we're gonna die!"

"Sir-"

"This guy sure knows how to cause pain! I mean come on, iron manacles with this shirt!"

"Please calm down sir-"

"Calm down! _Calm down!_" the Cat shook his shackles in a sulk, "now if I was wearing my green suit… the one with the tassels and polymer stitching…" Cat's eyes had gone dreamy, "or maybe a blue cravat… little round shiny sequins… blackcurrant suede boots…aoow! _I_ could pull that off!"

"The most important thing to remember is that we _can't_ die sir, we may have no hope of escaping, we may be in for a long and painful journey, in fact, it may never end… wait… I should have thought about that _before_ I said it."

"Well at least grease stain's not awake yet, now _that's _a face to ruin my day."

Rimmer groaned and opened his eyes slowly.

The Cat heaved an exasperated sigh, "See; _now_ my day is ruined!"

The darkened room slowly came into focus; Rimmer sat up with a small groan, "where – where are we?"

"I believe we are still on red dwarf; on board somewhere is the GELF, no doubt he is strategically plotting our fate."

"Oh… that sounds fantastic!"

Starbug was slowly sinking in a swirling misty bog on the planet of ohmygodabanana. Lister was currently buried under the less securely fastened pieces of starbug's interior that had blasted off the walls when he had crashed.  
Things had definitely looked better. The GELF smiled to itself in the safety of red dwarf, the best type of pain was emotional, but physical was _great_ for a starter. It watched the view screen and licked its green slobbery lips in anticipation; it couldn't wait for the main course.

"Why did we have to get landed with a _pain_ GELF anyway?"

The three remaining red dwarf posse were feeling a bit sorry for themselves really.

"I'm hungry." the Cat said rattling his bonds…"We are _all_ gonna die!"… He breathed for a moment, "And these shackles are ruining my image!"

"WE KNOW!" Kryten and Rimmer exclaimed simultaneously.

Half an hour later, still bubbling in a cess pool of hell on the marmite infested planet of ohmygodabanana, Lister found the strength to open his eyes. Pain. Pain beyond pain beyond pain beyond pain beyond pain beyond pain. You get the idea. His eyelids fluttered as he tried to get up, the weight of the heap of debris was weighing heavily on his chest. His breathing became laboured as he pushed the torrents of rubbish aside. It was smeared with sticky red threads that looked an awful lot like blood, but Lister couldn't think straight. He found his feet, and heaved a metallic tinged breath at the effort it cost him.

He knew who he could thank for this. His friends.

"Don't worry sir, Mr Lister will save us."

Rimmer raised an eyebrow, "What?" he sneered, "The _'boys from the dwarf'_? Friends always stick together?"

"Yeah! We're his buds, he wouldn't let us down, would he?"

_How could they let him down like this?_ Lister slid down to the floor groaning in pain and grasping his stomach as a fresh wave of nausea overwhelmed him_. If they were his friends why the smeg would they willingly do this to him?_ Then there was that small voice in the back of his mind…They're not you're friends… they left you to die. Lister grimaced, staring down at his blood drenched hands in horror, _They're not my friends. _

…..……………………….………………………………………………………….

OMG! What will happen! lol. I know…another dead boring chappie, ah well, review and it'll get better I promise… well, I'll try anyway…

Oh yeah, giver-of-hope, the GELFs were used for interrogation, not really anything else, I'll try and put that in sumwhere. bye x.x


	5. banana and anchovy?

Everyone who reviewed you are really really nice! Thanks: Sunrise over the tango factory and reddwarfaddict for reviewing the last chappie! Here we go:  
...

Holly's blurry head filled Lister's range of vision as she materialised onto the screen. "Dave! Dave get up!"

"W-wha?"

"Dave you've got to help us! Red dwarf's been overrun with one GELF,"

Lister's entire body ached with exhaustion, "…what?"

"You have to help, the crew are in danger and the food dispensers are only giving out pasta!"

Lister staggered to his feet with a groan. "But they… left me. Why… why should I risk me life to save them again when they'd rather eat banana… and anchovy sandwiches than do the same for me?"

_That's right, they hate you._

I know.

_Don't save them, leave them to die. It's what they deserve!_

Don't worry, that's what I'm doing.

_Good._

Yeah… no wait, that's bad - I should save them, I want to.

_No you don't._

Yes I do!

Lister groaned with pain and clutched his forehead with both hands.

"So, which one of you shall go first?" the GELF squelched.  
...

The posse looked at it each other for a second with a strange urge of friendship; they looked into each other's eyes and understood one another for the first time.

The GELF was slightly confused at the silence, "Well?"

They pointed at one another in a flash -"Him!"  
...

_They hate you. They hate you. They hate you. They hate you. They hate you_.

Lister massaged his head with a red stained finger, Leave me… alone…

"I… I'll save you." He managed to say. They needed him and he had to help them. No matter what they'd done they were still his friends. Even if they were complete and _utter_ smegheads.

_No! They hate you, _the voice slobbered;_ they'd rather _die_ than accept your help._

Well then… I'll die with them. "Holly set a course for red dwarf will you? I'm gonna go in and save them."

_Curse your cheery optimism! _The voice screeched,_ I hope you rot in human hell! _

What? Who are you anyway? Get out… of my head!

_You can't get rid of me. _The voice said in a menacing sneer, _Once I'm finished with your pathetic so-called _friends_, I'll get you. You'll be in so much pain in the end you'll wish you were dead. And you can thank your dying buddies for that as well._

Lister rolled his eyes and sped Starbug forward with an extremely drained but genuine grin, Oh smeg off will ya.  
...

The Cat looked at Rimmer in pure disgust, "I don't know _how_ you sleep at night."

"What? Kryten had to go! It's in his programming!"

"What are you on about now bud? I was on about your hair! How can you sleep when your head looks like a mutated broccoli floret that's just committed suicide?"

"You what?"

"It's disgusting!" The Cat stood up on his bunk the revoltion twisting his features, "I don't know _how_ I coped staying 3 hours in here with you and novelty condom head - I need to get out of here! What if I catch TotalGitItis from you and _die_ of TotalGitness?" he flopped against the wall with a sob, "We're all gonna die!"  
...

"I'm coming guys, hold on."

"Coming up to the docking bay," Holly's head whispered. "You better hurry Dave, I feel like my inboard drive 001 circuits are on fire. Can't imagine what the others are feeling if I'm this bad. And they've got _Rimmer_ with them."

Lister docked Starbug and practically leapt out of the door. His wounds were stabbing at him again. Like a million super-sharp pins sinking into his flesh. He cried out but kept running. Stumbling through the corridors like a rampaging elephant on steroids.  
...

Please review! Even if it's to tell me my writing stinks and you'd rather eat banana and anchovy sandwiches than read another word. If you don't review I won't carry on… Naa only joking I'll do this even if no one likes it! So there boogle haters!


	6. ASAP

Thanks to sunrise over the tango factory!  
I might not be able to update for a bit, it being the holidays and everything… ah well, I'll try anyway.  
I know it's steadily getting crapper- (is that even a word?)- But I would still love some reviews! Please please please! I'm practically begging! Hell… I _am_ begging! Please!

Just hit the review button, it's not hard…

…

It was Kryten's worst nightmare. He had practically given up now. Every time he ironed the clothes the creases deepened. He heaved a great mechanoid sob, and tried once again to smooth down a pair of kecks that once were white and now resembled Lister's stinking yellowed crusty boxers. "How can you be so cruel!" Kryten yelled at the ceiling.

…

"Guys!" Lister stopped, gasping for breath, "… are you… in here?" he walked to the door and looked through the glass with a pained expression.

"Hey! Chipmunk cheeks is finally here!"

"Well don't just stand their get us out!"

"Yeah another second with broccoli boy is gonna drive me insane!"

Lister closed his eyes for a moment with a grimace as a fresh spasm of pain racked his chest, making him sway on his feet.

"What's wrong bud?"

Lister opened his eyes with a strained grin, "I'm all right man…"

Rimmer laughed, "is this an 'I've just drunk 50 cans of beer - so if you see the magic pixie tell her I've got her sherbet ' fine or an 'I'm about to keel over and die' fine?"

"Yeah! I don't want you spewing all over my precious shoes!"

"Look I'm fine! I'm just not feeling… too good, that's all."

"You don't look too good either," Rimmer pointed out with contempt. It was true. Lister looked like he'd been dragged repeatedly through a demented, manic, chainsaw-wielding hedge backwards _and_ forwards.

"Thanks Rimmer… good to see that you're still a repugnant smug _git_."

He smirked, "Nice to see you too."

"I don't wanna break up your lovely little conversation, but my stunningly gorgeous suits are waiting for their stunningly gorgeous owner! If I don't get them back before that lump of snot gobs all over them I'll go crazy!"

"All right… how do I get you out?"

Cat jumped back into despair mode: "You can't! We're all gonna die - and I don't even have a chance to change!"

Rimmer folded his arms with a sigh, "Just open the door you goit, it's a one-way system."

Lister opened the door, smearing blood all over the handle, not that he cared at all. Cat and Rimmer shoved their way out, while Lister leaned heavily on the wall for support.

"Where's Kryten?" he gasped.

"That barmy no-fashion GELF took him."

Lister rested his head on the coolness of the wall, "Oh smeg."

…

The GELF growled, splattering everything within a 2 foot radius with oozing green gunk. So the smelly little human had come eh? Good. Human pain's a personal favourite. Had that tangy irresistible flavour that just rests nicely in your flab… mmm…

…

Lister rounded a corner, "Kryten?"

"Novelty condom head?"

"Kryten, where are you man? Can you hear us?"

Rimmer stepped ahead lightly, clearly enjoying the fact that Lister was in a lot of pain and Kryten was being held captive by an insane gob of snot. "Don't worry; he's probably off doing some lovely ironing."

"You really haven't got a heart have ya Rimmer? How could you stand by and let him go like that?"

"It's in his programming."

The Cat tutted loudly, "How can you be so _selfish_ bud? The only reason _I_ didn't go was because of my amazing tastefully stylish suits! Can you imagine what would happen if they were all _alone_? No stunning _body_ to style? No gorgeous _ass_ to show off? It makes me physically sick!"

"Yes… well-"

"Bloogleflobb!" something squelched from behind them.

…

"That's it sir, I've had enough!" Kryten yelled – well tried to anyway. He flung the pants, that now looked like a flimsy piece of elephant skin, at the wall with a 'Hurrumph!'

…

The posse spun around to face their doom. Towering above them was the GELF, like a 7ft gargantuan mound of rotting brussel sprouts and mushy peas.

Lister said the only thing you could say in a situation like this: "Oh Smeg!"

Then came the despair after a minute pause: "Can't you just leave us alone for _10_ _smegging_ _minutes!_"

The enormous GELF pondered this for a moment, chewing its blubbery emerald-green lip with a sticky sucking sound. After much consideration it said: "no."

"Fine, I suggest that I get my beautiful ass out of here ASAP."

"Good idea," Lister whispered, "LEG IT!"


	7. 50 ft eh?

Thanks to reddwarfaddict and sunrise over the tango factory! _Again_ lol. Lovely nice people who reviewed.  
...

"Kill it Kill it!" The Cat kept shouting, "It's messing up my hair!"

Lister's breath came hard in his throat, "HOW!"

Cat rolled his eyes and said, as if it was so _damn_ obvious, "Well why don't you just shoot him with a triple arced laser gun?"

"An exceptional question sir, with just two minor flaws, one, there are no such things as triple arced laser guns-"

"Kryten!" Lister grabbed the mechanoid by the shoulders and dragged him along with him. "You're alive!"

"Mr David sir! I told them you'd rescue us, I didn't doubt you for a second." His leg jiggled wildly, but Lister ignored it – as you do when you're close to collapsing.

"Come on Krytes… we gotta get outta here,"

"Not so fast you scum-sucking crusty-pant-wearing pigmy!" the GELF slobbered after them, leaving a long trail of a slimy gloopy substance that the boys from the dwarf were not about to hang around and see.

It was going so well. They were almost free, the GELF was behind, they could get to Starbug – they could escape! Then…

Lister tripped.

His body slammed against the floor with a heavy slap.

Ouch.

Lister groaned, looking back to see what he had tripped on through a haze of blood. A bazookoid lay on the floor… A bazookoid glinting in the light… A bazookoid? _A bazookoid!_ His brain shouted at him_, use it you idiot!_ Oh, he focused on this for a moment, yeah…

He picked it up with a groan and aimed at the evil git advancing towards him. "Rimmer, get out of the way!" he yelled, aiming it at the other evil git behind the first. He forced his podgy finger on the trigger.

What followed was an echoing explosion of light and sound. Lister flung his arms up to shield his face. Wow, the GELF must have upgraded the bazookoids! Ours wouldn't even dent a banana!

Before he lost consciousness, _again, _he saw the GELF squealing with delight. It was 50 ft bigger. Squashed up against the walls and ceiling, giggling like the lunatic that it was.

"Ha!" it said splattering the red dwarf posse with a load of slimy gloopy gunk.

Lister collapsed on the floor in utter exhaustion.

It was about time too.

"I think I know why this happened," Kryten said, wiping the oozing gunk from his head, "The GELF is a _pain_ GELF."

"Oh, if truth be told, I hadn't noticed!" Rimmer's tinny voice said from his light bee.

"Really sir, you must be more observant. It feeds on its own pain as well as others."

"That's good to know," said Cat, watching the GELF ahead of them trying to dislodge its enormous body from between the walls. "What does it mean?"

"It means, if I may say so, that we are in trouble. Big time,"  
...

Ok. Review now! Or I won't carry on doing this at all! Well… I will…

But it won't be of a high standard… well… it won't anyway...

Just review! I won't update 'til I get **5 more reviews**, okay? Ya hear me? Cheerio dearies x.x


	8. cling film wall

Woohoo! I actually got more than 5 reviews (well… not all for chapter 7… but you can't have it all!), oh god I'm so damn happy!

Thankyou very very much to all you lovely peeps who reviewed! aka Sunrise over the tango factory, reddwarfaddict, Giver-of-Hope, and cazflibs.

…..

"Mr Lister sir? Mr Lister, please wake up!" Kryten shook Lister's shoulders for the umpteenth time. "Oh it _is_ no use!" Lister's head lolled from side to side as lifeless as a value Tesco chicken a year past its sell by date.

"See, I told you! We're deader than flamingo pink pedal pushers with zips at the knees!"

"It's too late!" boomed the colossal 'thing' that had, by now, dislodged itself from the walls, "Prepare to feel lots and lots of **pain**!"

Lister shifted in his unconsciousness, breathing too fast and murmuring something about a tonne of jerked chicken and a gold caravan.

"Well, may I take this moment to say it's been a pleasure serving you sirs. If it is any consolation I am willing to sacrifice myself first so that you do not have to endure as much pain as me."

"Thanks bud!"

"And may I also take this moment to say – you're on your own guys!" with that Rimmer turned himself off, leaving his light bee to plop to the floor. But not without whacking, the already in-excruciating-pain-and-agony, Lister on the head first.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain.

It brought them to their knees.

Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain

"NO! My suits, don't burn them, – how can you be so unfashionable!"

pain

"My ironing sir, no - it'll take me weeks to get the stains out!"

pain

"No… Baby I smegging well… love you…" Lister gasped, eyelids fluttering.

pain

"Love?" the GELF spat, shivering violently.

"Hold me babe… I'll get the… ketchup."

"Of course!" said Kryten turning to Cat, "It's so incredibly simple I have no idea why I didn't think of it before!"

"Are you going to tell me bud, or are you just gonna boast all day?"

Kryten smiled an I-am-just-so-darn-clever! smile, "Have I ever told you that you have the most amazing dress sense?"

Cat's chest puffed up with pride, "well of course you have – you'd be mad not to! I just ooze style and creativity!"

The GELF was slowly shrinking, "You bastards!"

Lister was still muttering and tossing around on the floor, not that anyone was taking any notice. "Lick ... brown sauce… iron the banana…"

The GELF splattered the already splattered with gunk red dwarf gang, with gunk. "It's too late!" it giggled manically, "Eat pain, pain eaters!" it spread its blubbery arms wide.

After much explaining from Kryten, the Cat finally seemed to have cottoned on. "And did I ever tell you that… urm… your head is shaped like a novelty condom?"

"Well, yes sir, lots of times as it so happens."

"Oh… er-" the Cat thought hard.

The GELF prepared to send what looked like a green sticky cling-film wall at them,

The Cat thought sohard his brain was close to exploding, "You're – you're good at ironing!" the Cat said extremely quickly.

"Why thank you sir! I pride myself on it." Kryten beamed.

The GELF was now small enough to fit through the corridors with a large bin on its head. "Curse you and you're filthy compliments!" it heaved its body up and flung the bogey-green sandwich wrapper at them. The hurtling wave picked Cat, Kryten, Lister and Rimmer's light bee at the doors with a _thwack_.

…

Lister opened his eyes slowly, wincing at the pain ricocheting through his body. Honest to god, it was a wonder he was still alive.

"Thank heavens Mr Lister! I'm so very glad you're awake."

"Is everyone… all right?"

"Not really sir. I have no idea where my right leg is and there seems to be a large hole in my chest." he said calmly, "But the Cat seems to have caught the worst of it."

Cat unpeeled himself from the wall falling flat on his back. "What happened?"

Lister and Kryten stared at him with open mouths.

"What? What is it?" than he noticed how, suddenly, his teeth seemed to get in the way of his mouth. "Oh GOD no!" he said staring at his body, "What's that bogeyed git done now?"

Then he caught his reflection in Kryten's metal body.

"**DWAINE DIBLEY!"**

The Cat hit the ground in a dead faint.


	9. take a while

Soz I spelt Duane wrong in the other chappie, I was in a bit of a rush, lol. Thankyou lovely reviewers, may all your wishes come true!

Okay, this is just a little chapter. Nothing much happens, because - truth be told - I couldn't really be bothered to do a decent chappie. Sorry people, it'll be better next time! x.x

Oh yeah, REVIEW!

………………………………………………………………………

…………

The waves of pain were still cascading over their heads.

Lister struggled to pick himself off the ground. "And then there were two." He said, short of breath, peering over at Duane/Cat's nasally-impaired form. "Wait… where's… Rimmer?" he moved forward slowly,

"Rimmer?"

Nothing but the sound of pain.

"Rim..mer?"

_Crunch._

He moved his boot out of the way.

Rimmer's light bee.

Smashed into small fragments.

_Smeg._

"Oh dear sir."

The pile of remains, that were once Rimmer's light bee, buzzed slightly then died away.

"Rimmer."

Lister fell to his knees taking the pieces up in his grubby hands. Rimmer was dead – again. The Cat was as good as dead – with no fashion sense how could he live? He, himself, was dying – he knew that, surely you can't lose this much blood and still be around to hear about it.

The GELF was so near them now, Lister could feel its rancid breath rasping in his ear. He could hear its manic giggling. He could see its – euuw – he didn't want to know what he could see.

The calm black was welcoming.

Calming

Welcoming

Black… black… black

…..

"Don't give into the despair sir, you have to fight it!"

Lister blinked.

"We can get through this I know it, you just have to '_believe in yourself_!'"

Lister rolled over to stare up at the mechanoid. Strange, he didn't remember falling down here. "What the smeg are you on about? I'm not giving up."

It was true, the pain was still battering them to pieces, but he didn't seem to care anymore. It didn't seem to matter.

Kryten waved his arms around, exasperated, "But you were rolling around on the floor sir, saying 'I give up! I give up!' and 'boil that pomegranate, see what I care!'"

Lister got back up;this was proving more difficult than he'd previously thought.

Duane grunted "Where's my… thermal flask…?"

"Sir, though it troubles me to ask you -"

Through the pain Lister fought to keep his smile, "Let's go for it Kryters."

Kryten tried to smile, but his mechanoid features couldn't quite pull it off. His mouth turned up at the corners, "if you're certain sir, after you."

Lister found his feet, with help from Kryten. Duane snored so loudly floor vibrated under their feet.

"OI!" he said, "GELF!" he looked at Kryten as if to say _'no smegging way is this gonna work',_ he took a deep breath, "Has anyone ever told you… that you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen?"

The GELF stopped its hectic pain distribution and said, "Well… they are a lovely shade of yellow."

"If I was capable of it - you sexy sub-species - I'd find you _extremely_ attractive!" Kryten said, his leg jiggling so violently he had trouble keeping upright.

The GELF was so absorbed in them complimenting it; it didn't notice that its eye level was getting considerably shorter by the second.

Duane woke from his snoring stupor with a large grunt, "Hey, if I had a triple-thick condom handy… I'd wanna get with you any time!" he grinned his goofy grin, teeth sticking out like a demented picket fence.

The GELF grew… again. Apparently compliments from Duane Dibley didn't count as compliments _at all_.

"Urm… you make me real horny!" Lister shouted.

It shrunk… slightly.

They could tell this was going to take a while.


	10. Ill

Thanks to sunrise over the tango factory!

I know I always say this but: 'REVIEW', RIGHT NOW! Even if it's to say I stink or something, I don't smegging care! Just hit the button, say whatever u want to, and there. Done. Not hard at all! Please! Review!

…………..

Five hours later and they had just about run out of ideas...

"Ummm…" Cat said

"Urm…" Lister said

"Uhh…" Kryten said

No ideas came; the GELF got bored and decided that pain was the answer. It always thought pain was the answer. To be perfectly honest, it's hard not to when you're a pain GELF.

"Ah, smeg this." Lister said, which I think was just about the right thing to sat at the time. He lunged forward embracing the disgusting thing. It was the only thing he could think of. If he was bound to die anyway, he thought, _'what the smeg - I'll give it a go.'_

"I love you!" he gasped. Before the pain wiped him out, he planted a kiss on the GELF's blubbery skin.

"ARRGGGG!" cried the GELF, "I'm melting! I'm melting!"

And it was true, it _was_ melting. Its bogey-like body was dissolving into a pool of slimy green gloopy gunk.

Poor Lister, who had keeled over underneath the GELF, was now smothered with it. He looked like he'd had the misfortune of getting stuck up someone's nose when they had the killer flu.

Cat jumped in delight, "I've got my style back! I'm me! Shield your eyes buds; my beautiful ass is back!" he did a quick Michael Jackson spin, "AAOOWW! I'm looking _nice_!"

Kryten ran over to Lister, "Mr Lister? Mr Lister sir?" he turned to Cat, "I think he may be seriously ill! We need to get him to the medibay and fast; I hate to think what that GELF did to him back on Starbug."

"All right bud, but first I need to change! I've been wearing the same suit for nearly a whole day! Never mind _him_ being ill! What about me?"

...gasp...

In the medibay, things couldn't have looked worse… Well they _could _have looked worse. I mean Lister could have been dead. That, if _anything_, could have been worse.

Lister was lying on the medi-bed still gripping Rimmer's light bee in his hands. The shards were beginning to bite into his skin. He wouldn't let them go. No matter how hard Kryten tried to prise them from his fingers. He wouldn't let them go.

"I'm worried about him sir, his breathing isn't stable, and we have no way of knowing what will happen to him over the next few hours."

The Cat frowned, worry deep in his brow, "I'm sorry bud… I didn't hear what you said, could you leave me alone! I'm trying to eat here!"

"But sir, we need to get Mr Rimmer's light bee. If I don't fix it soon, we may never get to bring him back."

"No grand canyon nostrils?" Cat grinned widely, "And to think, I was gonna mark this day as unlucky!"

Kryten nearly wrung his hands, "I need your help sir, please!"

The Cat was finally defeated, "Well alright, but only because… no wait, I don't have a reason! I'm staying right here bud!"

After a precious half an hour of time was lost, the Cat, at long last, gave in. But only at the promise of 5 extra fish… _Big_ fish.  
...

Okay. Review. I'll update soon.


	11. sigh

A great big thank you to _sunrise over the tango factory_ and _reddwarfaddict - _lovely lovely lovely people who reviewed and said they liked the last chapter, even though it was a pile of crap.

Okay dearies, on to the next chappie!

"Okay sir, on the count of three."

"One-" Kryten dangled the pasta in front of Lister's face,

"two-" the Cat crouched in position.

"_three!_" Kryten spooned a generous portion of the pasta into Lister's mouth; Lister gagged, raising his hands to his lips with pure disgust. Sometimes you just had to be cruel to be kind. Lister dropped the remains of Rimmer's light bee in surprise.

Cat sprung into action, catching the pieces before they hit the ground, doing a backwards somersault, landing on the ground with his 2 feet, and all with out getting a hair out of place. "Now that's what I call _style_!" he grinned.

…..

The pain-staking process began. Kryten screwed and glued and tinkered and bolted and jolted and rotated and _god knows _what. An hour later and he was finally done. He wiped his forehead with a sigh. The washing machine was finished.

_Wait a minute, _he thought to himself, _this isn't Mr Rimmer!_

3 hours later. He was _finally_ done. The light bee sat on the table winking in the soft glow of the ship. Kryten sighed again; they could have done with another washing machine. Oh well, everyone had to make sacrifices. He turned it on.

…..

Lister could feel his life draining away. They'd left him here. On his own. All he could hear was the uneven sound of his own breathing. But it was all right. It was about time he gave up.

He had saved the Cat and Kryten. That was all that mattered. He frowned, wondering why there was a horrible pasta-like taste in his mouth. _Oh god,_ he thought, _I'm going to hell._

That sounded right. He'd practically killed Rimmer. Even though he was a complete and utter git, Lister still felt the guilt gnawing at him. Rimmer. The one who kept him sane. In the end though, he'd probably done the world a favour. Smeghead.

No… What was he saying? He felt awful. He'd just stepped on him. Crushed him. It was almost laughable, and yet he felt like crying.

He took one final breath, looking at the world through his deep brown eyes for the last time. It was about time he gave up.

So he did.

…..

Arnold Judas Rimmer was feeling a little disorientated. It must have been the fact that he was upside down wearing a frilly pink dress and matching dolly shoes.

"Kryten!"

"My apologies sir!"

Kryten managed to get him the right way round. However the dress and pink high heels remained, much to the delight of the Cat.

Rimmer looked around for a moment, "Where's Lister?"

"Yeah bud, where's chipmunk cheeks gone?"

Kryten spun around, noticing Cat with alarm, "Mr Cat sir - I – I thought you were keeping an eye on him!"

Cat rolled his eyes, "No way bud, I needed to get my beauty sleep! You can't expect me to look after him all day, just because he's dying."

"Dying?" Rimmer said in disbelief

"Yeah, that little machine thingy stopped beeping ages ago!"

"You – you- you- mean -" Kryten stopped in mid sentence, rushing to the medibay in panic.

The Cat sighed, snuggling down for a nice snooze… he adjusted the pillow slightly… Ahhh, that's better…

Review dearies! Right now!


	12. Arrgg!

Arrgg! Here's the next chapter. See, I'm nice, I don't keep you lot waiting! Lol, this may upset some readers… NOT

Thanks all the reviewers! You rock!

………..

Kryten hurtled through the medibay doors, closely followed by a puffed-out Rimmer.

Cat sidled in slowly, deciding after a short while, that he had better come along. He couldn't sleep anyway, not with the noise they were making. Honestly, they had no consideration for other people at all!

Lister was lying on the small bed. He wasn't moving.

"Lister." Rimmer whispered.

They had rushed to the medibay, but now that they were here they couldn't move. Lister was so still.

So lifeless.

They hardly breathed.

Rimmer couldn't think straight. He'd gone. Actually gone… Gone…

He was the first one to break the spell. He walked forward, and kneeled by Lister's side. Lister didn't move. His eyes were closed and the pain had finally left his face. He looked almost peaceful.

"Sir… I'm so sorry." Kryten said in a small far away voice. Then he burst into a fit of hysterical tears.

Rimmer shut his eyes hard. Why? He shouldn't have gone like this. Smeg. He shouldn't have gone at all.

Rimmer shut his eyes _tighter_, as if somehow this would bring Lister back. He would wake up and this would be over.

But it wasn't over. Lister wasn't coming back.

It was his fault. Rimmer told himself. It was his fault he was dead. And now he was gone, and Rimmer was all alone. In the back of his mind he could hear Kryten and Cat. They were upset, but not as much as he was.

He was lost.

Then he heard something else.

An annoying sound. He opened his eyes angrily. Anger for himself. Anger at the GELF. Anger for Lister.

It was a beeping sound.

"Hey my tuna melts done!" the Cat said, jumping up and heading out of the door.

Kryten paused for a moment, halfway through another unbearable sob. "Wait, that doesn't sound like the microwave…"

"What do you mean bud? I've been waiting hours for this!"

"Mr Cat sir - when you said the beeping stopped, what type of beeping sound did you mean?"

"Well," Cat said, checking his nails, "as a matter of fact, it was just like the one on the microwave."

"You mean… it wasn't like the one you hear now?"

"Nope."

Kryten thought about this, and ran over to the machine by Lister's bed, "Oh sir!" he said checking the instrument, "Mr Lister isn't dead!"

"What?" Rimmer couldn't believe it. He stood back up, grasping Lister's hands, "Lister?" The last human stirred slightly at the sound of Rimmer's voice.

Rimmer almost leapt with joy.

Kryten burst into hysterical tears yet again,

"What-" Rimmer panicked, his delight cut short, "What is it!"

The mechanoid heaved a great sob, "I'm so DARN HAPPY!"

Rimmer smiled, kneeling beside Lister again, "So am I." he whispered.

……..

aaaww, see! They're all happy! x.x

I told you before – you'd have to be absolutely _insane_ to kill off Lister! So you're perfectly fine with me, I'm _only_ a cream bun short of a picnic. Plus, Lister is my favey character, I love to cause him pain! He he he.


	13. ahem!

Review! Now! Or… I suppose you could read it first, it would make more sense… lol  
Ahem…  
Thankyou reviewers! Sunrise over the tango factory: I'm a bit more than a cream bun short of a picnic… I just didn't wanna scare you lot - I'm two picnics short of a picnic! Reddwarfaddict: dw, nothing ever goes right for long! lol

…..

Kryten was washing his rubber gloves in the sink and sighing.

An awful lot of red stuff filtered down the sink.

"How is he?" asked Rimmer nervously.

"Well… he's stable sir. But I don't think he'll wake up for a while yet. I'm hoping it's just exhaustion."

"You're hoping?"

Kryten sniffed loudly, "Yes sir."

"Can I see him?"

"He's just had a major operation sir! He's lost litres of blood!"

"So?" Rimmer said impatiently.

"Of course you can see him."

…………..

Lister was pale, but not as much so as before. Rimmer smiled a little, taking up a chair and sitting by Lister's bed.

He sat there for a while, trying to think of how he could say what he wanted to.

"I don't know if you're able to hear me, but _smeg_, you scared the hell out of me Lister!" He paused for a moment, watching Lister's chest rise and fall, rise and fall, as if to reassure himself.

"I … I know we haven't always seen eye to eye… But, I promise, I'll never let you do anything like this again." He swore he saw Lister's mouth curve up a little at the corners. But when he looked again there was nothing. Lister lay peacefully still. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "It was all my fault."

A sudden spasm racked Lister's chest.

"Lister?"

Another one.

Rimmer leapt to his feet in alarm, "Lister – what's wrong!"

It took a while for him to realise what was happening…

Lister was laughing.

He opened his deep coffee-brown eyes - they were sparkling again. Dulled a little by pain, but the sparkle was there, he grinned, "I'm glad I was alive to hear you say that!"

Rimmer was so relieved and angry at the same time he said the first thing that flicked through his brain. "You smegging GOIT!"

Lister grinned, putting on an over the top emotional voice and wiping an tear from his eye, "I never knew you cared so much!"

Rimmer scowled.

"Oh Mr Lister sir! You're awake!" The mechanoid bustled in, ushered Rimmer out of the way, and began fussing over Lister protectively.

Lister propped himself up a little and smiled, "Hi Krytes."

Kryten busied himself by tucking Lister's bed sheets around him more securely, "I must insist that you go back to sleep right away sir!"

Lister groaned, "But Kryten -"

"No buts sir, I insist!" Kryten got out a very-dangerous-and-painfully-sharp-looking needle and began filling it with a clear liquid.

"That's right Listy, you listen to _mummy_ and go back to sleep now, I'll bring your teddy up for you in the morning." Rimmer grinned a smug grin and turned to walk out of the door.

"Oh - Rimmer," Lister said, trying, not very successfully, to keep the amusement from his features.

Rimmer sighed, "Yes Listy?"

Lister cocked his head to the side as if pondering something, "Is there a good reason why you're wearing a pink frilly dress and matching dolly shoes?"

Rimmer looked down at himself in surprise. "What the -"

Lister smirked, snuggling down into the bed sheets. This was going to be good.

"**KRYTEN!**"

Lister didn't get back to sleep as quickly as they had hoped.

……….

_I was gonna leave it there, but I got bored…_

About three hours later the argument had finally subsided. Rimmer had finally got bored of his soft light hands falling through everything he tried to pick up and chuck at Kryten. And Kryten had finally figured out how to change Rimmer back to his usual self. Well… almost usual. No one had told Rimmer that he was still wearing the heels.

Lister had laughed so hard that his ribs were aching. Everyone looked so happy. He didn't want to mention he was in pain. He didn't want to mention that the shooting pains, like daggers across his abdomen, made him want to scream.

Then the coughing began. A great hacking cough. He tried to force the air into his lungs. But it just rattled his chest. He gasped. Choking.

That turned a few heads.

"Kry-Kryten!" Rimmer yelled.

"Oh sir!" Kryten picked up the needle, jamming it into Lister's neck. Lister inhaled sharply, his eyes wide.

Two seconds later he had collapsed back onto the pillows.

Kryten and Rimmer looked at each other.

"Oh dear." said Kryten.

Rimmer sighed, "Smeg… why does _nothing_ ever go right for long?"

…………………………………………………………………………..

Review wonderful people who have read this.  
You have two options:  
Review and confirm my suspicions of this being a load of twoddle.  
Or  
Review and give me a lovely surprise by saying that you actually like it.

**Not** reviewing is **not** an option! YOU HEAR ME?

Thankyou.


	14. last!

Thankyou reviewers! x.x.

Okay… I know I said nothing ever goes right for long and all that… but I think I better end this fic now - it's getting a bit boring and repetitive dontcha think? Also... I can think of loads of ideas to do but they go on for ages! May as well just do a different fic. Here comes the last crappy chappie:

Oh, and I'm sorry it's really short… sorry sorry!

…….

The Cat was sat in the medibay presenting Lister with his millions of suits and designs, and hats, and pictures, and models, and a slideshow.

Lucky him.

Lister's chest was preventing him from breathing properly, his breath grated through his lungs like a busted car engine.

Of course that didn't stop Cat.

"And this one," Cat persevered, smiling widely, "is one of my personal favourites – see the gossamer stitching and sequins on the cuffs? Are they stylish or what?"

Lister wasn't actually listening at all. He just nodded, occasionally making ooh, mmm and ahh sounds. He was thinking about what Rimmer had said. After all this, were they actually friends?

"Are you even _listening_ to me bud!"

"Ahh" Lister replied automatically

Could they _possibly_ be friends?

"Bud?"

"Ooh"

Cat narrowed his eyes, "If you say mmm, ahh or ooh again I swear I'll _scream_!"

Friends? Him and Rimmer, friends?

Strange. That actually didn't sound too bad. "Mmm."

The Cat screamed.

Lister got caught by surprise and launched into another coughing fit.

Kryten was not happy.

…………………………..

Rimmer had finally re-entered the medibay. He wasn't saying anything, but Lister felt it comforting to have him there. Which was a bit odd to say the least. He had never been comforted by Rimmer's presence. Repulsed - definitely. But comforted?

"Rimmer?" Lister asked, after drinking the god-awful medicine Kryten had left him, "Did you really mean…" he pulled a face at the taste, it was somewhere between pot noodle and grapefruit, "what you said?"

Rimmer pretended not to have heard what was said, "Hmm what?"

"Last night, did you really mean what you said… about worrying about me?"

Rimmer folded his arms defiantly, "nope."

"Oh come on,"

"_nope_."

Lister smiled sadly, "I was worried about you too man."

"You were?"

"Yeah," Lister shifted uneasily, rubbing his chest a little, "when your light bee broke I thought you were a goner… and it scared me." He felt his eyelids begin to droop. Kryten must have put some sedative in that medicine again. He leaned back against the inviting warmness of the covers. "I know it… sounds stupid but - Holly was right for once. You do keep me sane."

Rimmer was having difficulty getting his head round the conversation, "So _you_ were concerned about _me_? You?"

Lister yawned, by now his eyes were fully closed, "yeah… don't get a swollen head or anything." Before he dropped off to sleep, Lister asked: "Does this… mean… we're friends?"  
"Yes," Rimmer beamed, "I suppose so."

"Good…" Lister sunk back into the darkness, "it's about smegging time too…"

…THE END…

Hey hey, I've finally finished! What a crappy ending! Whoop! I'll write another fic soon, coz I get very bored! Review now hunnies!


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